Songs.

Side A:

1.Ode to the humongous spider living outside my back door
2. Tongues have been burned on delicious teas
3. The amazing octaves of howls a cat can accomplish
4. Deep sleep dreams during an eclipse
5. Living in syncopated sunshine
6. Sweating to the beat

Side B:

1. A series of old photographs of strangers feet
2. The wrought iron door to the garden is rusted over
3. Song of simple summer rain
4. A bowl of rotting lemons
5. The ballad of Louise brooks
6. the chemistry of sitcom applause

Almost Autumn

It’s been quite awhile…

I have so much to say, and yet nothing at all. It’s that awkward time between Summer and Fall, and I’m desperately trying to decide on my next move.  This has been quite the amazing, adventure-filled Summer. Here’s a brief recap:

• I transitioned beautifully back into myself from the manipulated, hurt place I found myself in at the beginning of the summer.
• J and I had a yard sale and clothing swap to try and purge our lives of unwanted material items. I made a whopping two dollars, but we found ourselves with quite the story to tell. Lets just say that a creepy old guy’s ball fell out of his pants a little too close to my head for any sort of comfort. Then there was the strange homeless-vagabond chick who tried to steal my kitten, swap urine-stained clothes, and then piled the rest of our crappy yard-sale items into her……wait for it….brand new Lexus SUV. Heh.
• J and I took a beach vacation at North Myrtle and got screwed over where we were supposed to stay. So, after passing out on the beach from sheer exhaustion, we got such a bad sunburn that we spent the rest of the week drinking our sorrows away with middle-age crazy people. We almost got arrested for trying to camp on the beach, almost slept under a bridge, finally slept in my car behind a bar parking lot, had an impromptu music jam with awesome people, and saw a girl get stabbed in the face with a beer bottle. Good times.
• I got laid off at my main job. Which I didn’t really enjoy at all, anyways. So, I suppose the universe took care of that for me. Although now I am being forced to live off of a tiny bit of unemployment, which isn’t exactly paying the bills.
• I delved deeper into the world of yoga and stand-up comedy. Not at the same time, exactly. And I seriously will (for those of you who think I won’t) eventually get up and try my hand at it.
• I took a nine day job as driver and merch girl for the band Afromotive. I drove fifty hours that week, and It was pretty awesome and wholly exhausting. But I got to go to Pennsylvania, Portland Maine, and NYC for the first time, ever. Now I can’t stop thinking about moving to Brooklyn.
• I’ve met some wonderful and inspiring new people, and had many an adventure. I drank too much, slept too little, and procrastinated a TON. But it’s all been worth it.

So now Summer is coming to a close. I, for one cannot wait for the autumn to settle in, the leaves to change brilliantly, and then the thunderstorms to make everything mushy. I have so many opportunities knocking on my door right now, with no idea which to choose. I may edit a book for a New York Time’s best selling author. I may join a well known burlesque troop. I may sell most of my things and take a trip wandering aimlessly for a few months. Too much to do and too little time. I suppose my summer procrastinating didn’t exactly help the piling up to-do lists, and bills. But there’s really nothing else to do but keep-on-keepin’-on.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this summer. I’m so used to overwhelming myself with doing a million things at once, and then abandoning half-done projects half-way through. I found my spark again and re-joined the world of the wide-eyed-bushy-tailed extroverts. So now, I’m trying to take it easy… taking every day as it comes. Of course, I still think too much, analyze freakin’ everything to the detail, and think too much about the future. But I’m trying my damndest to just relax and enjoy the moment more often. Because after all, when life is said and done…those moments are going to be the ones that create contentment. I like to live off the grid and do everything the wrong way. But, hell. It makes life interesting. And according to my mother, I just have ADD. ha!

So, I promise to write more on here from now on. But in the mean time, listen to this:

Almost Autumn Mix (The Awkward In-between)

1. Regina Spektor “The Flowers”
2. PJ Harvey “Down By the Water”
3. Mates of State “Haha”
4. Radiohead “Been Thinking About You”
5. Shellac “Billiard Player Song”
6. Head of Femur “Curve that Byrd”
7. Rilo Kiley ” Paint’s Peeling”
8. Pavement “Carrot Rope”
9. Mountain Goats “No Children”
10. Fiona Apple “Sleep to Dream”
11. Flaming Lips “Waiting For Superman”
12. Modest Mouse “Heart Cooks Brain”
13. Blind Melon “Sleepy house”
14. Tori Amos “Leather”
15. Emily Loizeau “fais battre ton tambour”
16. Cat Power “He War”
17. At The Drive-In “Catacomb”
18. Nina Simone “In The Dark”
19. Peggy Sue and The Pirates “New Song”
20. Zombies ” What More Can I Do”
21. Feist “Past in Present”
22. Placebo “Pure Morning”
23. Nellie McKay “Zombie”
24. Blonde Redhead “Melody”
25. TSOL “Flowers By the Door”
26. Avett Brothers “Famous Flower of Manhattan”
27. Camera Obscura “If Looks Could Kill”
28. Ben Kweller “In Other Words”
29. Arcade Fire “Wake Up”
30. Velvet Underground “After Hours”

Sleep, Change, Awake.

Here I am, sitting at my default bar, drinking a William’s on the rocks paired with a tasty beer. I’m trying my best to read some short stories, but instead find myself staring at the people sitting at the bar looking slightly less miserable as I am. What are their stories? How happy are they with their lives?

Move forward, and I am standing at the counter at a sleazy gas station. It’s Saturday night, and I have no plans at all. The people I know are all busy with their groups of friends, spouses, boyfriends. I pay for my pack of camel lights and 24 ounce beer, and leave feeling judged. On my way home, I realize…wow, I have become such a loser.

How did I get here?

Flash backward.

It was one of those days where everything feels blurred. I slept until 1pm, but laid in bed with my arm around one of my cats until 2:30pm. I made a pot of lavender and Chamomile tea and opened the blinds, inviting the lack of sunlight into my tomb. I laid around in my bed until the sun made it’s way beneath us. Finally, I got some decent clothes on, brushed my teeth, and made my way out into the 29 degree weather to simply get out of the stagnancy of my house.

I ended up driving around for a while in a haze, getting coffee at a packed cafe and leaving to walk the alley ways alone. I went to a specialty chocolate shop and sipped some dark hot chocolate. But I ended up staring at all of the groups of people laughing with their small talk, tossing their heads back…wondering why I felt so alone. Some people looked over at me, probably thinking “wow, I feel bad for that poor girl sitting there all alone,” instead of “I admire that independent chick out alone.”

It’s so strange how things change so fast. As human beings, we are capable of such easy adaptation that sometimes you don’t realize how much things have actually changed for quite a while. I’ve realized that in the past couple years  I’ve gone from a hugely  social, out-going, and creative person to a socially-awkward, boring homebody.

What do you do you’ve realized you have morphed into the opposition of yourself, and you aren’t sure if it’s who you want to be?

The Year of The Nine.

Onward to a new year! Yes, it’s 2009, folks! And what does that mean?

Yes, that’s right, it’s a week of reminiscing about 2008. Did you do anything productive this year? What ways have you grown and changed?

This past year was an interesting one for me.   I renewed my love for creativity and tried to start a business with making soaps, lip butters, and hand crochet wash cloths. I faced a lot of fears within myself and grew into a better, albeit more cynical woman.  I started writing again, after giving it up five years ago, with plans to publish. I helped my cat have kittens and buried two of them. But I also got a really adorable second cat out of it:

I also have a lot of so-called “resolutions” for this coming year. (And sheesh, I hate the stigma that comes with a New Year’s resolution. I.e. Doomed to fail) But I am making it a priority to get healthier this year. Yes, I know you’ve heard this before.  But this time I’m not jumping head first into scary territory, I have a plan.  As follows:

1. I am seriously an finally quitting my two pack a day smoking habit. I have finally beat myself into submission on how much hurt I am doing to myself. And come on, I’ve been smoking a shit ton for eleven years, and I’m only 24! I am using tea, homeopathy, acupuncture, and a strong will to do this.

2. I am saving the money that I normally use to buy cigarettes and will be getting a gym membership and ACTUALLY using it! Yes, that’s right. You heard it here, first!

3. I am going to start eating healthier, along with all of the above. I normally start my day with cigarettes and loads of coffee. Then, I may eat a light lunch around 3pm (Because all the smoke and caffeine render me un-hungry). But then I don’t eat again until really late. I basically eat crap (a microwave pizza, a cheese and miracle whip sandwich, loads of pasta, etc.) and I eat rarely, which I’m sure isn’t very good for me.  So, now will begin my cooking good meals more often! AND starting every day with green tea and oatmeal.

4. I also want to further my education process, finally. I went to college for three years, but I’m a few credits away from being a Junior. I didn’t want to be in school at that time and didn’t do well at all. Now, I am planning on going to the community college here to finish my AA, and get some sort of subsequent certification. Then I will transfer back to my old Liberal Arts University and finish my BA in psychology. It’s time to begin a life outside of the hospitality industry!!!

5. And finally… I also want to further more of my creative conquests. I want to begin painting again and have an art show this year. I want to finish my book of poetry and lyrics, and my short stories and try to have them published by the end of the year. I also want to start another musical project, because it has been far too long (over a year).  And of course, last but not least, figure out where my business of soap-making, candle-making, crochet towels, and lip and body salves is going to go. Nowhere? Anywhere?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

So, I stole this from my sister……. A Survey about 2008.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I helped my cat Eve have kittens. I was up with her for twelve hours straight. The poor thing had the first one stillborn, and then three more, one of which died overnight.  I ended up raising two of them and then gave one away after a few months. Darwin is now seven months old, and the most adorable and affectionate cat I’ve ever seen!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any last year. See above for some of mine for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend Cassie had her third child, Jonathon in September .

4. Did anyone close to you die?
An old friend of mine got into an accident. RIP.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, this year. Meh.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I’d like to get healthier and be less ridiculous with my money. I’d also like to find a house I can call a home, instead of the  past few years of it being “my living situation with people who have no respect.”

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 30th, because it’s important.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My biggest achievement was more of an internal turmoil thing. Getting over certain issues within myself and my life. I still have a ways to go, but I’m wonderful now compared to where I’ve been.  This past year made that happen with the wonderful people I have around me, my family, and my own maturation.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My business. A little advice…Don’t start a one-person business (with no employees, where you make things with your hands from scratch) with zero capitol! It will. not. work. I’m warning you now.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just your basic, minor accidental injuries I have on a daily basis.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I got a new record player for my birthday, and many old and reissued records for my ever-building collection.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My little sister! She’s growing up! (…wiping the tear away…) and OF COURSE Barack Obama!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people who I used to call friends (who have become anything but). And Sarah Palin. Do I have to explain that one?

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, bills, bills, food, gas, cigarettes. Ugh.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to FL for Christmas to see my family. We hadn’t had Christmas together in almost seven years!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Sia “Breathe Me”

Over The Rhine “Spark”

Eddie Vedder “Guaranteed”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

° Thinner or fatter?
I lost weight…Somehow. I’m sure my horrible eating habits had something to do with it, but I lost a belt hole! And, I NEVER weight myself, so I don’t really know how much I lost…

° Richer or poorer?
Poorer. Definitely. (Thank you, economy and the Bush Administration!)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveled, made the weekends worth it, Saved money, worked less, finished school already.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
less spending money, less smoking, less drinking at times. Less wasting time.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with my parents and sisters and Gabe  in 80 degree weather!!! Don’t be jealous! And yes, I did go to the beach, HA!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes, yes I did.

22. How many one-night stands?
zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I got into Dexter, but we don’t have cable….

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not hate. Just dislike. And yes, a couple people.

25. What was the best book you read?

I read SO much that I don’t even know. Probably the ever-hilarious memoirs of Cynthia Kaplan.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

27. What did you want and get?

I wanted a new comforter for my bed since my old roommates gave mine to goodwill by accident. So, I got a very nice one for a Christmas present…

28. What did you want and not get?

uh…

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Wristcutting, Dark Knight, The Orphanage…

30. What did you do on your birthday

I worked..Spent time with C, went out to a bar and shot pool with friends.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I had more money, of course!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I’ve gotten more casual. I’m getting lazy on the getting “gussied up” side I have. I would call my look… 25% 50′s glam. 25%  librarian, 25% rock/indie, and 25% preppy-ish with a nerdy twist.

33. What kept you sane?
C, my friends, my family.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Obama!!!!

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, Prop 8, How ignorant Palin is, etc.

36. Who did you miss?
My family and friends that I barely get to see!

37. Who was the best new person you met?
New friends from work! New friends from C’s life.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Sometimes you just have to blindly trust, and blindly fall.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

“Gonna rise up, burning black holes in dark memories”

“Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you…”

“You either lose your fear

Or spend your life with one foot in the grave.

Is God the last romantic…Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We’ll wake up dreaming?”

Christmas, Road Rage, and Freezing to Death

Okay, it’s the holiday season… I get it. Thanks for reminding me every five seconds.

But,really… is this REALLY an excuse to be driving like a total, complete IDIOT??? I’d really love to know. That guy who was in the turning lane beside me and then turned INTO my lane? I’d LOVE to know his excuse. That teenager who completely stopped on the INTERSTATE at 9am this morning? Well, I’d be interested to know if she ever graduated high school. Oh, and the lady who found it more than normal to merge into my lane and come oh so very close to hitting the front of my car? What are you in such a hurry for, lady?

And then, all of these people had the utter decency to give ME dirty looks when I laid on my horn to snap them out of their egg-nog-and-Christmas-shopping daydreams! All of these occurrences happened in one fifteen minute drive on the way to work this morning. Come on people, get it together! I’m sorry you are working a twelve hour day and in your one moment of free time you just have to run to the store and buy some plastic toys for your kids. But hey, getting in car accidents on the way to the toy store isn’t the greatest thing in the world!

Yesterday, I witnessed a serious case of road rage right in front of the restaurant I work at. This seemingly VERY WEALTHY woman and her Benz were hit from behind by an SUV. Neither car had a single scratch on it. Oh, did I mention that the rich lady stopped ridiculously abruptly and caused the crash? Well, both women get out of the car and the wealthy woman yells very loud obscene comments to the other woman. And then, suddenly, after trading quite a few four letter-words, the wealthier woman tries to hit the other! It was ridiculous! Finally, they got into their respective cars and drove off, but MAN! That’s some great holiday spirit!

And what would make my grumpiness even worse than……

…wait for it….

No heat!

Yessiree’. Our oil finally ran out of our huge petroleum tank outside our hopeless “cottage” in the ghetto of Asheville. Unfortunately for us, filling the damn thing up costs hundreds. So, for now I am left to huddle in my room with a tiny, tiny, space heater. God only knows how I’ll be able to take a shower next. It’s 22 degrees and ice is already forming on the bathtub.  It’s going to cost us almost $300 to fill up our petroleum tank the MINIMUM. And not only can we not afford that, but we can’t really afford to buy any more space heaters. (We have two small ones for our bedrooms.) Yay for the economy and our being broke increasing!

So, happy holidays to all the rude idiots of this world!

Dear Roommates…(An Open Letter)

(Disclaimer: This is an open letter to any and all people who happen to live with others. “This is no blame game.”)

Dear Roommates,

Please do not leave your dog in my hands. Your dog is not my responsibility. So, when you decide to not come home for five days in a row because you are too busy staying at your boyfriend’s apartment…Well, I’m sorry, but there will be dog shit on the ground. You are not paying me to take care of your pets. Just for the fact of sharing a house with me does not make it so that you can pawn your dog off on me.

Do you know how to put the toilet paper on the holder? Why do you get mad when my cats shred the entire roll all over the house when you can’t bear to take a second out of your peeing time to put the roll on the holder? I have experimented and waited to see if you would…but you never did. I seem to have the sole responsibility of doing that. Because apparently it’s just too hard of a task. If I don’t do it, the whole roll of paper is wasted as it falls on the dirty floors or gets strewn about the bathroom. I don’t know about you, but I don’t make over $20,000 a year. Do you think I can afford that?

Why does it seem like it’s okay to put my dirty dishes in a paper box? How strange is it that I come home to find my three dirty plates stuffed in a box on the table, while your millions of dirty plates, pots, cups and whatever else are taking up residence all over the stove, counter tops, and oh, even the dinner table. That is passive-aggressive and RUDE. It’s funny how you complain to me about not washing my dishes immediately, but you wait WEEKS to wash yours, and in the mean time I cannot even get to the stove.

Please do not move in with me if you are going to complain about the kitty litter box. I make it QUITE clear that I have two cats and one litter box, which resides in the bathroom. I clean it out VERY often, as well as sweep the floor daily, and put enough air freshener stuff in the bathroom that we might as well be sailing on a “soft cotton” cloud. The box does not stink. If it does happen to stink, then just know that I am planning on cleaning the whole box out, probably within the hour. I don’t like stinky things and I DO have a nose, thanks! Do not live with someone with cats and then insist that they should put the litter box in their bedroom, cause that just is NOT gonna happen!

Speaking of pets, if you complain about my animals, but do not clean up after your own…well, we have a problem. Don’t bitch and moan about my litter box or the shredding of the toilet paper if you can’t own up to your own pet’s messes. I don’t like to cook in a kitchen with clumps of dog hair rolling across the floor. I don’t like to sit on the couch in our shared living room when it is covered in a film of dog hair. It’s not cool to have to go to a job where I have to wear all black five days a week covered in dog hair. So, If I’m not bitching about your pets, don’t bitch about mine. Take responsibility before blame.

Please do not act like you are in “charge” of me. You are not my parents. I am an adult and I will make my own decisions. If I live in a house where I pay the same amount of rent as everyone else, it is a democracy. Do not tell me when I can and can not have my boyfriend over. Especially if there are certain circumstances that make it so that I cannot stay at his house. Especially if he respects the house, you and our things. Do not tell me what I can and can’t do, PERIOD.

Please… do not move my shit. Do I ever touch anything of yours? Absolutely not! I have something that I like to call “respect.” I may ask you nicely to clean your shit off the coffee table, as you are more than welcome to do to me. But, under no circumstances are you allowed to touch and/or move my shit! Do not throw away my mail or my magazines, do not put my clean towel in the dirty laundry! Do. not. touch. my. shit.

(The Note says… “Please stop being so passive aggressive)

Please, do not eat my food. Look, I know you barely have a job and our economy is on a downward spiral. But hey, I’m about to have to get food stamps too! I can barely afford my bills, much less pay for something substantial to put on my plate more than once a day. So again, the word is “respect.” This is not a socialist country. My food is not your food, unless of course you share my bed. Which is not likely. This also goes for using my cosmetics, bath items, borrowing clothes, laundry detergent, etc.etc.

Please pay your bills!!!!! I am great at giving people leeway on bills, if the situation is needed. So is the landlord and the utility companies. But don’t be irresponsible and decide that you aren’t going to pay your bills. That way, I get stuck paying three months of your half of the rent. No, thanks! I can barely afford my own I don’t care if you are going through a hard time. I don’t care if your boyfriend just broke up with you. You HAVE to pay your bills, or move out! And if you are my FRIEND, don’t EVER leave me in a bad place with being forced to pay your halves and then not even try to pay me back. That just makes you the greatest friend ever!

Please don’t be inconsiderate. Some people have to actually wake up early and work in the morning. Don’t decide to do the dishes, right outside my bedroom door at four in the morning. Don’t talk really loud on the phone at five am right outside my door. I don’t act that way when you are trying to sleep. It is one of my biggest pet peeves to be waken up in the middle of the night or early morning to a bunch of banging around in the kitchen. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.

and last, but not least…

Don’t EVER come into my room without me being there. I don’t care if my door is open all day so the cats can roam freely. (It’s the bed they love, not me) My room is the only place in the house that is MINE only. I am paying for it. There is absolutely NO reason for you to be coming into my space. Not one single reason. Simply, respect my privacy and things!

Sincerely,

Your roommate or past roommate,

D.

P.S.

A Public Service Announcement, courtesy www.passiveaggressivenotes.com…

It’s F-in Freezing!

I don’t know about you….But if you live around the area….you probably aren’t used to it being so cold in November. I know it SEEMS like it should be cold in November, but usually it isn’t. It’s simply chilly. By that I mean it gets down to the thirties occasionally, but mostly it stays around the 50′s-60′s. Most of the time it doesn’t get this cold until January. So, being that I come originally from spending most of my life in a warmer climate, this makes me particularly crazy. Really. It seems like the cold creeps into my head and makes me a tad-bit delirious.

It’s the beginning of winter, though and what happens during this time of year? HOLIDAYS! But hey, forget Thanksgiving! Lets just get right on to Christmas! That’s how it seems around here. I don’t know about you, but geez, do we not commercialize the holiday enough? I swear that by December 1st I am going to be so fed up with the holidays that I shouldn’t be held accountable if I maul an overly-cheery retail clerk (singing along with ‘Jingle Bells’ and sporting a red Santa hat, no less). Perhaps it’s just the fact that I am not a child and I do not have children yet, so the holidays aren’t that appealing to me. Sure, it’s great to see family and friends, give gifts, and have a hot toddy or few. But there just isn’t a spot of holiday cheer in my smile, nor a glint of excitement to be had in my eyes.

Perhaps it’s also my being so burnt out working in the hospitality field. I’ve worked nothing but retail and food service for the six years I’ve lived in Asheville. Every year it’s the same thing… If you work in retail, you nearly go mad with the uncannily rude customers (where the hell is their holiday “cheer,” anyway?), the larger mess you have to clean up everyday, the repetitive Christmas tunes that make you want to rip your hair out by the root, and the lovely longer hours you are forced to deal with all of this crap. In food service, things go up and down as far as business, but mostly it slows. And those who DO come in can’t bear to leave good tips because they’ve spent all of their money already. (Wow, Mister! These two dollars you left me on a $30 check will really buy my little brother something nice for Christmas!) Lets not even touch Black Friday. All I can say is THANK GOD,JESUS, BUDDHA, ZEUS, etc. that I do not work in retail anymore!

“Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold and hungry and weary.”
-Henry David Thoreau

“When it’s cold, water freezes into ice; when it’s warm, ice melts into water. Similarly, when you’re confused, essence freezes into mind; when you are enlightened, mind melts into essence.”
-Muso Kokushi

I’m Not a Quitter…(Tales of a Chain-Smoker Trying to Quit: Part 1)

As few of you know… (Because really….I’ve become a hermit and have avoided a chunk of the world for months…Don’t take it personally. I’ve opted to live within myself more, spend less money and generally live a different life….Yet in the same town.) …. I am going to be REALLY quitting cigarettes soon. I haven’t yet decided the complete protocol. I’ve tried it before, only to be unsuccessful. Patches, Nicotine gum, regular gum, toothpicks, cinnamon sticks, replacement with tea, etc. etc. etc. I seriously have zero willpower and could never go a single day without at least a lovely drag. The only time I did in fact successfully quit was for a mere month and a half, (although for me that is a miracle) yet it was for causes I won’t mention and ended in such physical and emotional trauma for me, that I literally forced myself to self-destructively resume my nasty habit.

So far, the plan is to gradually cut down from my 24th birthday coming up December 11th to my next birthday when I turn 25. Then I will quit forever the day following my birthday. So my birthday will sort of be a goodbye party to the horrid love of my life. I was reading this article I found in some health magazine about the love of smoking by Julia Hansen. I found that it felt as though it was written specifically for me and my love/hate yearning of those damn camel lights, and how I feel now…..

“Having lit up for the first time just six months ago, you’re already violently in love with your slim white cylinders. They warm you like tiny campfires. Life would be so cold and dark without them. Give yourself a decade. Eventually you see the light-and I don’t mean the one at the end of a mini Bic. You’re sick of worrying about the tumor you know might be growing at this very second in one smoke-scarred lung, tired of groveling to strangers who sneer and flap their hand as you light up and blow your smoke toward the ceiling, ashamed that one part of you smokes to keep thin, pissed beyond words that you stand in the rain/snow/cold to indulge a behavior that could very well kill you. You have everything going for you-you want to live. Plus, you’ll look like shit in an oxygen tent. Smoking becomes a metaphorical chain around your ankle, binding you not just to an early death, but to have puffy eyes, skin the color of oatmeal, and tiny vertical lines around your lips that make you look as if you’ve spent your life whistling.”

I’ve been smoking for twelve years. I am not even a quarter of a century old. It’s actually pretty sad. Especially if you knew just how much I smoke on a weekly basis. I’ve been in love with cigarettes for many reasons… The supposed glamor brought to us by classic movie stars, the perfect combination of dark roast coffee and a cigarette in the morning, the calming of social anxiety, the perfect drinking partner, the fact that I grew up with it giving you “cool points,” that it’s helped me perfectly curb my depression, got me through endings and beginnings and complimented my dramatic edge. But in reality, it’s ridiculous. I am aware that I am addicted to a horrible substance that is whittling down days of my life. I would hate myself if I was in my thirties or forties and had a family, a house, a half-good career, maybe even a little one or two…..and suddenly I had lung cancer and died and could not fulfill my desire and responsibility to live the happiest part of my life to the fullest. How horrible!

I’m not sure how I will be able to accomplish this completely…. Any suggestions would help greatly…

Smoking is just too cooool…..hmmph.

How To Tell That You Are A Grown-Up.

How To Tell That You Are Actually a Grown-up Adult (Of sorts):
(This is not for everyone, obviously. Just all in fun)

1) You actually and honestly care about politics. You do your homework and know all of the facts. You are proud when you vote, and you don’t simply vote for president, you vote for local elections and know who is who. When the subject of politics is brought up in a group of people, you get really involved in the enticement of debate…

2) You are casually driving by some houses… lets say on your way to work. You catch yourself thinking how amazing it would be to own your own house. How many bedrooms you desire…and what perfect shade of red you would paint the kitchen…And how you would want a garden and a fence for your dog…….

3) You get a new job and the fact that you may be able to get health insurance literally makes you rambunctiously giddy with joy…Yay! You can now get that weird pain in your chest checked out, that tooth that has half-way broken out of your mouth fixed and a better prescription for your constantly receding eyesight…

4) The opportunity to go back to school presents itself, and all you can think of is how awesome it would be if you could get the training to get a better job, which equals more money. Wow, if you could afford to turn cable TV on, get a land line perhaps, OMIGOD buy a new washer and dryer!! What a day!!

5) You actually enjoy watching the news on TV. Not to see all the “cool, yet horribly destructive” things going on, but because you actually enjoy being informed of what is going on outside of your own head and in the world. You also enjoy listening to NPR. Double points if you love “Prairie Home Companion” or ” This American Life” as much as I do…

6) The music you enjoy is getting older and older. The new crap is just that to you, crap. Really BAD and horrible crap. Kids these days just don’t know music…and they don’t know who The Ramones are? They don’t know who Sonic Youth, Heart, The Eurithmics, BILLIE HOLIDAY……are?? Damn. Oh yeah, they weren’t even alive when Nirvana was kicking… Yikes. Feel old yet?

7) Waking up early in the morning used to be a feat. It was HELL. Now, you actually ENJOY waking up early. You enjoy reading the newspaper, doing the crossword, easing into your day. Perhaps you do yoga, or like to take a shower while the rest of the world still slumbers. But these days it isn’t so bad to get up and be productive.

8) You become more boring. Well, not boring exactly. But your priorities with fun become different. You sit at home and watch movies more than go out to bars or parties, etc. You would really rather stay in the comfort of your own home and cook meals and such than spend your time getting trashed with a bunch of rowdy drunks. You may also enjoy spending time at friend’s houses more often.

9) Speaking of cooking…. Cooking matters more to you. You no longer live on ramen or easy mac. You would rather have a balanced and satisfying meal. Or not. But usually, you at least start boiling some water and make a bunch of spaghetti and salad for meals, instead of living in the microwave. Also, you usually keep more food than beer in the fridge.

10) You become a “luncher.” You now make more dates going out to lunch or to coffee with friends than meeting for a drink at the bar. It becomes better to enjoy a relaxed meal with loved ones than a bar atmosphere. Of course, this also goes for going out to dinner. And alcohol may be involved as well…

11) You go to myspace or facebook or whatever and look up your class in high school. 95% of the class has married and/or has a kid or more. That one freaks you out…let me tell you. Most of your friends are married as well. (Hell, my best friend is a year younger than me and has already been divorced and has three children!)

12) Your favorite bands, TV shows and movies are all dead, canceled, or still only available on VHS or on Tapes…

How to Be a Patron in a Restaurant: Vol 1

DO NOT:

-Do not…. Seat yourself if it is a restaurant that has a sign saying “Please wait to be seated” or has a host/hostess on duty. It is not very affective if we have a patron who has already seated themselves without letting anyone know and then gets mad when no one has been there to help them.

-Do not…Come into the same restaurant often and order something complicated and expect the server to wait on you hand and foot, and then always leave a really shitty tip. There is someone who comes to my job often enough to almost be called a regular. This person orders a very complicated meal, and when he is surprised that you don’t know his order before he orders it (Um, I’ve never even waited on you before, buddy!) He makes your life a living hell. AND he needs about twenty refills of his drink before he leaves, and one in a to-go cup. Yet he leaves less than two dollars, every time! NOT COOL if you want to be treated well as a regular!

-Do not…Leave your used tissues all over the tables. That is disgusting! I am not your maid, and you surely are not leaving me enough money to pay my rent, much less clean up your bodily fluids! Ugh!

-Do not…Bring your screaming children into a fine dining restaurant. This sentence should be enough. If you are going to McDonalds, sure, bring the little brats. If you are going to a restaurant where you pay $25 for an entree, NO. Do. Not. Bring. Your. Children.

-Do not…Eat most of your entree/appetizer/ salad/etc. and then tell your server you “didn’t like it and therefore will not pay for it,” or “It was not made to my satisfaction,” etc. etc. If it isn’t done right, tell me before you consume most of it. And for the love of God, DO NOT blame your server for your food! They are not the ones who cook it!

-Do not….Split your checks if there is a party of more than six. Your server most likely has more tables than just yours. She is trying to please other people at the same time while trying to make your dining experience adequate as well. Splitting checks is time consuming and very annoying. And please, if you have to split checks, say so AT THE BEGINNING of the meal, not the end when it is more complicated.

-Do not….Come in by yourself and expect to have your server’s unending attention the entire time you are here. Servers are not here to entertain you. And unless you are at a bar, it’s kind of creepy.

-Do not….come to a restaurant and tip horribly. Just don’t. If you don’t have the money, don’t come in. Simple as that. It’s not fair to a server when they bust their ass waiting on you and making your time at the restaurant as wonderful and fantasy-fulfilling as possible, and you tip less than 20%. Remember, 20% isn’t much money to live on. And for all you know, your server makes $2.13 an hour. This really pisses me off the most when rich, older people come in, and they are mean, demanding, complicated, and do not tip well. They spend their time complaining about this or that and saying “I’m so sorry” when you tell them that yes, in fact, the tattoos are real. Jerks.