How Did You Get Here Again? Part II

Welcome to Part II! It makes me laugh to no end to see how some of you end up viewing my blog. I can’t see who you are, but I get the pleasure of knowing the search terms you use to reach this lovely little world of mine. You guys are absolutely insane, and make my day just a little bit brighter with the very…uh…interesting terms you use. Here are some of the best from this past year:

• “I quit my life”
• “Starving Sad Kitty Painting”
• “Zombie Silhouette”
• “So many exhausted suits, on the tube, tiredly waiting to go home” (Hmm…okay…)
• “Tori Amos Bird Necklace”
• “All my life coldly and sadly the days have gone by”
• “Pixie Meat necklace”
• “It’ll get you drunk”
• “Busking in Asheville”
• “Amy Gerstler, Jewish feminist”
• “Salvador Dali anus” (Seriously, I am not making this stuff up)
• “Dead birds”
• “Irish Manners”
• “Lithuania rock carvings”
• “People being passive”
• “Embrace the crazy”
• “Stop bitching”
• “Buddha covering his mouth”
• “Please do not leave your shit for others to clean”
• “I love you more than flowers”
• “If you don’t watch Glee, you’re a loser” (I don’t agree with that statement.)
• “Zombies running down the streets in NYC”
• “Sorry for being a weirdo”
• “Right way to do everything wrong”
• “Old skate video with TSOL Flowers by the door” (great song!)
• “You are in charge of me”
• “Hooker motels in Sarasota” (Seriously, people? I guarantee you won’t find that information here. hahaha)
• “Silhouette of twin brains” (Interesting….)
• “Asheville is kind of depressing”
• “Is you creepin?”
• “How to grow carrots”
• “Cubist literature German love gone wrong” (hm.)
• And my personal favorite: “My mustache brings all the girls to the yard”

I have NO idea how these terms bring you here. But nonetheless, it is quite interesting and hilarious! Keep em coming, crazies!

26 Lessons I’ve Learned in 26 Years

1. Nothing really worth it is ever very easy. Or ALWAYS easy. If you run when  the going gets tough, you will miss out on the things you may desire the most. The moments that make life truly worthwhile .
2. The Universe never gives you more than you can handle. Worrying and dwelling on the past is counter productive.
3. Embrace your quirks, and be yourself! There is not another human being in existence that is quite like you. You ARE good enough.
4. Read books! Pay attention to what goes on in the world around you. Never stop learning.
5. Pay attention to red flags. People reveal their true selves to you, if you pay close attention.
6. There is absolutely no point in beating around the bush and playing games with other people. Manipulation only causes ache to you or others.
7. You can achieve anything you dream or believe. Really. You just have to take action. Someday never comes!
8. Take care of yourself and your well-being. You are the only person you can ALWAYS 100% count on, no matter what.
9. If you need help, put away your ego and just ask. You are never alone in turmoil.
10. Take full responsibility for your mistakes. You may learn something imperative, if you aren’t defensive. And if you don’t, at least you can cultivate good grace.
11. If you put positive energy out there, you will receive the same, if not better. If you put negative energy out there, you will receive nothing but more negative.
12. Live without regrets. Forgive people, and let it go.
13. Be creative. Travel. Sing. Find passions and be passionate about them! Put down the TV remote and get outside. Truly living life is about engaging in the world and appreciating your surroundings. Experiences always triumph possessions.
14. Learn to be happy alone.
15. Do something that scares you. Conquering your fears and demons are a fantastic way of building character. Jump regardless. Don’t let your fears make your decisions for you.
16. Get out of your own way. And stop sabotaging yourself.
17. Always, always, always follow your gut.
18. Surround yourself with people who inspire you.
19. There is ALWAYS hope.
20. If you aren’t happy… change your perspective or change your world. Don’t wallow.
21. Take time to tell those you love and appreciate just that. You never know what can happen, we could all die tomorrow. So, make sure you make it known. Friends, family, and loved ones are the most important thing that life gives us.
22. Don’t wait around for life to happen to you. Make your life what you want. You may only live once, and if that’s the case…Turn your “Bucket List” into an every day occurrence. And don’t waste your time living a life you don’t want to live.
23. You should never limit yourself for opportunities. Our biggest fear is of having all of our dreams actually come true and becoming as successful as we should be.
24. Pick your battles and fight your causes. But always keep an open mind. You never know what battle another person may be fighting.
25. If you  fail, fail better next time. Don’t give up easily on your passions.
26. Above all, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” In good and bad times, this too shall pass.

Get Up or Get Out.

I am a very busy gal.

I work an exhausting job as a Floral Designer/Marketing Manager/Middle-man for Brides/Invitation and Linen Coordinator/ Office Bitch…and I work a lot of six day weeks, most weekends, and a ton of ten to twelve hour shifts. I work 80 or so weddings a year.

I’m trying to build a small company up with two other people, and gain more experience for a better future, more money, less financial stress, etc.

I am also trying to build my business: Creatio Essentials, which is all kinds of quirky goodies including hair accessories, bath teas, self-love products, Recycled candles, Upcycled clothing, Scarves, etc. Each piece handmade and completely one-of-a-kind.

And on the side of all of that…I have my whole creative world of….

• Trying  to finish writing two books (One of Short Psychological Thriller stories, and one as a guide for Adolescent girls.) for publishing
• Trying to get another bluesy band together to make beautiful music.

• and Trying to finish a series of paintings for a gallery opening.

AND I still somehow try to find time for a social life and good friends.

Which brings me back to my point: I AM A BUSY GAL

As I get older, I keep getting more and more disappointed in people. Perhaps I have too high of expectations, or hope. Whatever the case, it is incredibly disappointing that I have lately been putting my effort and time into people, only to realize that they aren’t as good of friends as I had thought, aren’t as interested in me as I thought, aren’t willing to put any effort back, and/or only want me around when it’s convenient for them or they need something from me.

Thanks.

I think of myself as a pretty good person. Or at least I try very hard to be. I pride myself in being loyal, respectful, dependable, and considerate.  I don’t involve myself in drama. I have never, ever hurt anyone maliciously, or cheated on a lover. Life is too freakin’ short to play games and screw around, in my opinion. I know I am a worthy friend and lover. And it hurts to be constantly disapointed.

So, my message to you is:

If you want to be my friend, BE my friend. If you are interested in me, DON’T beat around the bush.

Get up or Get out.

I am far  too busy with my amazing, full life to waste my time anymore.

/end rant.

15 Things I Love This Week Pt 1

Since I now have an actual full-time income again, I’m going to revert back to being my crafty self with my business, Creatio Essentials. I’m going to post some of my own DIY projects and how-to’s and such on here as well. I would ALSO like to post some lovely handmade, homemade, and DIY crafts from other wonderful artists. So, to begin that, here starts the first ” 15 Things I Love This Week.” Click on the photos to go to where I found these rad items! P.S. As you should know by know, I’m a total weirdo, and I have fabulous taste. These are always going to be extremely unique and fantastic items! Support your crafters!

#1. CATNIP EYEBALLS By Hannah PT/ New Duds

If I still had my fabulous cat, Darwin…I would get him a pair of these ASAP!

#2. BLACK BIRD NECKLACE By BirdSpoke

#3. THREE TINY LADIES by ClayFlower22

These pots are so creepy, that I can’t help but want to stick some succulents down into their hollowed out heads. Love it.

#4. MICRO URCHIN BOWL, By Element Clay Studio, Asheville, NC

Just imagine this bowl full of lemons….yes!

#5. SUPPORT LOVE BUMPER STICKER by Annie Pants

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely support love!

#6. ZOMBIES LOVE BRAINS TEACUP by FoldedPigs

This cup says “I love you more than Zombies love brains” One of the most romantic things that can be said.

#7. SPARROW SILHOUETTE ESPRESSO CUPS AND SAUCERS by Mary Wibis

These are so beautiful that I could imagine drinking my espresso in them, every morning!

#8. GREY GERMAN LOVE AND LIKOR T-SHIRT by Cubist Literature

Basically translates to ” I’ll be there for you always. And I’ll get you drunk when you are sad.” And THAT is what friends are for.

#9. NECKLACES by Mamaslittlebabies

OMIGOD, I can’t get enough of these!!! Here are a few…

#10. YOU PARK LIKE A JERK 5-PACK by Earmark

DUDE! These are a great way to remind some people of their manners…

#11. BIRDS IN FLIGHT WALL GRAPHIC by One Up Designs

#12. KITTY CAT RECIPE CARDS by BoyGirlParty, with original illustrations

What a great and kitschy way to organize the kitchen!

#13. FELT IRA GLASS FINGER PUPPET by Abbie Christine

Handmade and Hand-cut goodness. Take home you’re own version of Mr. This American Life !

#14. SIX-PACK BLOCK PRINT BIRD HAND TOWELS by Lisa Price

I love birds, what can I say?

#15. BROWN PORCELAIN HERB CHIME by Botanicraft

This gorgeous chime was handmade with impressions from real herbs. Gorgeousness…

Apparently this week’s theme is BIRDS!

Have a lovely weekend!

How Did You Get Here, Again?

Some of you guys end up on this blog because you know me. Some of you find this page because you are a’creepin. And some people end up here by searching ridiculous things through Google and other search engines. Those in particular….some of you are just down-right crazy pants. Yet, your searches are just so, pee-a-little-in-your-pants funny that I’m going to share some of the golden search phrases here, and now. I’m not sure HOW these words bring you straight to this blog, but BEHOLD:

• “Bitch Quotes”
• “Heartbroken Bear”
• “Don’t make dirty”
• “Energy for tomorrow from urine”   (Wow, dude.)
• “Kitten sauce”
• “When roommates attack”
• “Strange toilet paper installation”
• “industrial piercing growing out of yo”
• “sleazy hooker motel in Sarasota”
• “Cabaret cigarette”
• “Kittens with mustaches”
• “Hopeless smoker”  (HA! I thought that was great.)

Keep them coming, weirdos! You make my day!

A Little Self Evaluation Goes a Long Way

So, you wanna get to know me?

Well…here you go.

This is me, right at this very second. I’m twenty-five years old.

I embrace my authentically odd self. It makes me crazy how many people don’t, because in the end…all you have is yourself.  My favorite color is brown. I’m a painter, craft maker, writer, blues singer, psychologist, and photographer. I’m very laid back, and fiercely independent. I make a billion to-do lists, but I’m also a professional procrastinator. I don’t like to live on the grid where most people are. I like to do things different and backwards, and nothing beats a good debate. I am a horrible influence because I enjoy awkward situations and playing devil’s advocate. If you want my real advice though, I’m fabulous at figuring out difficult situations under stress. I am full of duality, restlessness, and impatience. But I’m one of the most fiercely loyal people you would ever meet. I love being social, but crave A LOT of alone time. And sometimes I disappear off the face of the earth for a little while.

I’m very adaptable, and crave a ridiculous amount of adventure and travel in my life. I like books more than I like most people. I’m fiery, passionate about what I love, and can hold my own. If you know me at all, you know that creativity in any form is my life-blood. I can’t live without music. There are so many things I want to do in life, that sometimes I feel stuck in stale-mate. I bite my nails and drink too much coffee. I’m Russian, Lithuanian, and Irish. And I can probably drink you under the table, and kick your ass in pool. If it matters, I’m a Sagittarius with Libra rising and a Cancer moon. I’m obsessed with Neuroscience. I’m very easily contented. I’m cynical and yet somehow optimistic. I love older eras where things were more simple. I own a 1956 Remington typewriter and a record player, and use both more than my cd player or Ipod combined. I collect 1950′s tin toys and anatomical models. It enrages me that so many younger generations don’t know or care who Peggy Lee, Duke Ellington, Robert Johnson, The Ink Spots,etc. are.

I’m addicted to learning things, because isn’t that what life is about? I constantly have to put my foot in my mouth, but sometimes being so blunt isn’t a bad thing. I have a lot of pet peeves, but I’m trying ever so hard to start appreciating the simple things again, and not focus on the negative anymore. My favorite singer ever, is Otis Redding. I smoke too many cigarettes. Which, if you’ve noticed (or anyone at all still reads this blog), I also have a sister blog I’m A Quitter. I suppose that makes me a smidgen hypocritical. At the moment, anyways.

I grew up as the rebellious black sheep of my family. I moved out early, and wanted to take a huge leap into real life experience rather than the usual forte. I was the little girl who wore dresses and went skateboarding with the guys. I listened to real punk rock and partied too much as a teenager, but I’m also thankful that I got all of that out of the way quickly, and learned from my experiences.

At the moment, I have no idea what I’m doing. It takes a lot for me to admit that because normally my head is screwed on correctly, and I keep a pretty solid foot on the ground with my head slightly in the clouds. I always have plans and back-up plans.But right now at this second, I’m a vagrant, a wanderer. I don’t have roots anymore, and it’s liberating and terrifying. And I’m simply taking life day-by-day and paying attention to the universe and to my intuition to guide me onto my next move. Perhaps it will be bishop-Queen-5 or Rook-4 to check. But either way, it’s NOT going to be stalemate.

“Call upon me if you need
contact with that breezy,
self-conscious type of turmoil
that chases itself all day,
forming little whirlwinds.”

- “Her Account of Herself” Amy Gerstler

“““““““`

” THE DOOR” Miroslav Holub

Go and open the door.
Maybe outside there’s
a tree, or a wood,
a garden,
or a magic city.

Go and open the door.
Maybe a dog’s rummaging.
Maybe you’ll see a face,
or an eye,
or the picture
of a picture.

Go and open the door.
if there’s a fog
it will clear.

Go and open the door.
Even if there’s only
the darkness ticking,
even if there’s only
the hollow wind,
even if nothing is there,
go and open the door.
At least there will be a draught.

Past and Present Collide.

I’m a very adaptable person. But it still surprises me sometimes when things change so amazingly fast, and life slaps you in the face. Or leaves a big crap on your plate. Hell, if there’s one thing life has taught me so far… it’s that you just have to shake it off, put that plate in the dishwasher……and move on.

Since my last post, life has changed quite abruptly. I quit my two jobs (that put together, gave me less than twenty hours a week, and not enough to live on), gave away my adorable kitty cats I’ve had for years, sold my furniture, moved out of my apartment…and put the remainder of my things in a five-foot by five-foot closet of a storage unit. And then, two days before I got on a plane, plans to NYC fell through faster than I could ask “What the hell happened?”  My so-called “friend” in New York left me high and dry without a place to stay, after he had been the one to extend the hand and offer.  I held a gut-wrenching hope in my heart that I could believe the bullshit that spewed out of his mouth….but in the end…sadly I was proven again that a lot of people who seem genuine, just aren’t.

I quit my life in Asheville to start over, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Although things have gone askew, what better time to begin again than when you’ve given everything up? I thank the Universe that I’m so adaptable. And although shit hit the fan, my life will be better for it in the end. It’s probably also better that I didn’t go stay in one of the worst, poorest areas of the Bronx anyways. So now, I am free. It’s horribly bittersweet. I am taking the opportunity to stay at my sister’s apartment in Tampa for a few months to save some money. I am SO incredibly lucky to have my amazing parents and sisters and friends in this world who would do anything for me, as I would for them. The new plan is going to be a fabulous adventure, as I’m not very fond of Florida; but I am so glad I get to be near my sisters and friends I haven’t seen much in almost a decade.

I greatest thing about this, is that I can do anything now. It’s lovely to have a place to call home, but its just as wonderful to be a wanderer for awhile. Now, depending on how much money I can save….. I’m thinking about traveling for a little while, and then moving to NYC as planned. Maybe I’ll stay in Tampa a little longer. Maybe I’ll go be an Au Pair in New Zealand for a year…who know. A little detour and adventure never hurt anybody. We’ll just have to see what happens. Roll with the tides, day by day.

For a couple weeks, I’ve been visiting my home town. A desolate, yet cute little suburb town in Florida, that was literally voted 2009′s #1 place to retire. It’s haunting to be back where I grew up. I’m seeing ghosts everywhere. Most of the good people I’ve known here have had the good sense to get out, as this place is kind of depressing. It’s like the movie Garden State where the Zach Braff character goes home to his small New Jersey town after years of not being there, and is confronted by the past. The people that have stayed here are mostly stuck in dead-end jobs and married/ have children already. A lot of the people I knew that stuck around are now drug addicts, in and out of jail. It’s really quite sad. But just by being here, I revert back to my sixteen year  old self…desperate to get away.

What really makes this town depressing, is that it’s the same…but different. The house I grew up in has been refurnished, and looks totally different. The places I knew have all changed. Hurricanes have destroyed a lot of the memories. I have plenty of good memories: Playing in the pool as a kid with my sisters, with my dad blaring Fleetwood Mac and The Doors. Running around barefoot in the woods behind the house, making forts in the gnarled trees. Fishing in the lake, and running from alligators. Learning to skateboard behind books-a-million (as it was the only “cool” place to hang out, besides the mall). Smoking cloves in the parking lot, and having wild parties  in the middle of the woods. Biking around the neighborhood with my friends, and getting tea leaf readings at the only coffee shop in town. Hanging out at the tattoo shops and sneaking into movies. Garage bands and making dance routines to Tina Turner and Wilson Philips in the backyard. Making radio shows and catching huge frogs in the front yard. Climbing trees and having funerals for all of the dead lovebugs.

My parents are about to sell our childhood home, and for the first time in many years, I’m forced to delve into the hidden boxes in my temporal lobes and sort out the past again. It’s strange, but it’s needed. I’ve literally forced myself into a huge life-change. And inevitably, to actually change the situation, I have to change my perception.

Onward!

Digging Up Roots

FLASHBACK:

Almost eight years ago, I moved to Asheville. At the time shortly before, I was living in Fort Myers Florida in a studio, nestled on a lake in an artist’s community made up of six duplex apartments. It was nice to have brilliantly creative neighbors, but we were constantly infested with flying roaches, and I didn’t even have a stove. I had been commuting to Port Charlotte where my parents lived, and where I worked and was about to graduate high school. Although I enjoyed scat and jazz singing on street corners with my childhood friend V, learning to play chess with men who could be my grandfather at the cafe’s, and painting on the roof of the highest building; life felt stagnant. Graduation came and went, and one day I decided to pick up and leave. I stuffed a uhaul with my things and left in the middle of the night back to my parent’s house. The very next day, I packed up my car with the essentials- my guitar, clothes, sketchbooks, and my friend V; and we wandered up the coast to move to Asheville. We didn’t know a single soul in Asheville, and spent the next couple months trying to find a job and an aparment while living in my car out of Montford. We occaisionally stayed on people’s couches we met, and in a couple of the motels on Tunnel road, that at the time were one of the sketchiest places here with hookers and druggies making deals outside the motel’s door. That was fun.

(Fort Myers)

We finally got an apartment in Montford with slanted floors and no furniture, and although V moved on to another town pretty quickly,  here I have been for eight years. I’ve had jobs at many interesting places- A now-defunct Jewish Deli, selling slabs of cow tongue and pastrami sandwiches (as a vegetarian at the time). I was a front-end manager for an Arts and Crafts store, a restaurant manager at an also, now-defunct downtown restaurant, a retail clerk at the lovely and hilarious, A Sense of Humor; and had small stints as a bartender, a cashier, and a photographer at the Biltmore House. I’ve lived in eight different places- The orange Cumberland house in Montford with V, and then Johnny Rockstar, and then my adorable half-Japanese friend and his boyfriend; two different apartments in the only shabby-looking building on Kimberly Avenue with an ex, at an apartment in the  ”bad” area of Woodfin with the lovely E, that had a zip-in food mart next door; alone in a gorgeous house on Madison avenue off Charlotte, with a huge front porch and butter-cream painted walls; at the Brevard house with a bunch of kick-ass guys and one bathroom, in the Marigold house in Shiloh (The “Ghetto” of South Asheville) with one of the Brevard house guys and his girlfriend; and then finally, alone again in a studio apartment in a building from the 1920′s on the edge of downtown with lime-green walls and pull-out murphy beds.

(Asheville)

It’s been great here in Asheville. I’ve loved the mountains, which has been a huge contrast to the slimy humidity and flatlands of Florida. I have met so many amazing people, that I now can’t imagine my life without. I went to UNCA for three years for neuropsychology, studio art, elementary teaching, creative writing, and then finally settling for basic Psychology (Cognitive/ Behavioral therapy, Family and Couple counseling, and Child/Adolescent developmental) before dropping out due to the hardest year of my life. (not involving school) I sang blues/doo-wop/grunge-fusion in a band called ‘ Between The Seams’ for a while, and had many side-project adventures with wildly-talented Asheville musicians. I began Creatio Essentials, my crafty business of making quirky self-love products here ( soaps, bath tea, candles, lip butters, etc). I’ve loved, lived, been broken, and have grown in so many imperative ways, thanks to the people of Asheville. I am so thankful for that.

But now……

FLASHFORWARD:

I’m sitting here in my studio with the lime-green walls on Christmas day, 2009. I have less than twenty boxes and more paintings than that piled against a wall. I have been giving away and selling every single other worldy possession I own, including all of my furniture and my car. I am getting ready, again, after eight years here, to pack up and move away. To start another new chapter in another new city: New York City. A place I have always wanted to move to, but never had the guts. A place where I know only a handful of people. I’m sitting here with my cat Darwin Atticus, who I am about to give to a new home (I’m going to cry about that one). I’m leaving in less than a week, and I’m a ball full of anticipation, excitment, and fear. I’ve realized that it gets much harder to move around as you get older. It’s hard to walk away from roots you’ve grown. But I have to do it. I’ve realized that at twenty-five years old, if I don’t get out there and experiece other cities, I will never leave. I’ll settle down and have a safe, comfortable life here. But, I’m just not ready for a safe, comfortable life yet. It’s time to embrace my inner, deep- ingrained wanderer and get out now while I still can.

(NYC)

NYC isn’t an easy, nor cheap place to live. I’m going there without a home, or a job. But I’ve grown the guts, and I need to grow further. I feel like I will be able to cultivate the ambitious-hard-working-productive part of myself better in a city where it’s easier to sink than swim. Light a huge fire under my ass, if you will. Asheville is slow-paced, and it’s so easy to procrastinate and live a laid-back lifestyle. But honestly, I’m sick of that. I grew up around people from NY and New Jersey, and I have always had a tendency to talk-fast, walk-fast, drive-fast, be horribly impatient, and enjoy way too much Jewish food.   I feel comfortable around dry-humored, hard-assed New Yorkers. The first time I was in NYC, I wanted to move there. I’m ready for ridiculous amounts of over-stimulation, working hard, new inspiration, and a brand new chapter. We’ll see how it all unfolds. But I have felt the same intuitive feelings about NYC that I felt about moving to Asheville, so I know it’s just…right. It’s terrifying and yet, so free to get back to dig up the roots. To completely start over with the essentials. But of the best compliments I’ve gotten recently, really helped me get it into perspective: “D, you are so self-sufficient, creative, brilliant, and adaptable. You will do well no matter where you are or what you do in your life.” I have a great feeling about 2010.

I am a strong woman. I know this, and I own it. It took me a long time to get there. I have been through some amazing experiences in my life, as of yet. To be so young with so much of a future left, I know a lot about living. (Absolutely not trying to be self-righteous) I moved out of my parent’s house very early, and threw my naive self into reality. I’ve always been somewhat of a rebel with authority, fiercely independent and wanting to do everything the wrong way to gain my own experiences. Honestly, I’m suprised I’ve never gotten myself killed or arrested or anything too horrible with my naive nature when I was younger. I experienced drugs, homelessess, been mugged by the gang “The Bloods,” almost got married, etc, at a young age. I’ve been working consistent jobs since I was thirteen years old. I’ve experienced horrible betryal, heartbreak, first-hand death…I don’t have many regrets, and I’m thankful to have been through so much already. Otherwise I wouldn’t be as steady and internally strong. I know what real love is to me, what really matters to me, what I want in life (for now) and who I am deep inside. I’m much more mature than when I was a teenager, but I still have a deep-ingrained tendency to put myself into situations (like moving to NYC with not much money, no job, and little possessions) to see what happens. To test my strength, virility, abilities to adapt. Life to me is a process to learn about yourself and the world, and to grow and constantly change. And really, what a better place to test yourself and grow, than in the largest city in the US, the city that never sleeps?

(NYC

I got laid off in July. Since then, I haven’t been able to find enough work to make any sort of decent living. Getting by barely, tooth-and-nail isn’t working here anymore without a job. December 1st rolled around and when I didn’t have enough money to pay my rent, I had to figure something out quick. It was either move back in with my parents in FL after not living with them for ten years, or go ahead and move to NYC earlier  than I was planning. (I was planning on going in Spring or Summer) So, I begged my landlord to use my deposit as my last months rent, I’ve sold things, I’ve packed up, and I’m just about ready to go. So, Asheville: Thanks for having me. I’m so glad to have become friends with so many wonderfully creative, fiercely beautiful human beings. Maybe I’ll be back someday, but until then…I hope things get better here, and I’m off to find a new adventure! Farewell!

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Pixie Meat

 

There is nothing wrong with being a weirdo.  I’ve never been one to follow the crowd, do things the “right” way, or really, generally give a crap about what anyone else thinks is “cool”.  I think that one of the main reasons we are here on this earth is to figure out who we are. Individually. It makes me sad to see teenagers and adolescents today so aimless, technology-driven, and desperate to follow the memes. Everyone is like that a little bit, of course. “Following the pack” is biological to a certain extent, sure. But come on, people. Why don’t we just figure out what we, as individual human beings are interested in? I know kids who don’t know anything about classic composers, blues music, what a record player is. They have never seen a non-digital camera. They haven’t seen the epic original cult movies that we’re so obsessed with re-making. I’m glad there is some media out there that embraces the “burden” of being different.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love technology, and damn- we are definitely getting accelerated; but I really think that in order to appreciate certain things, you must be able to understand and also appreciate the past. A mint-green Remington Two-Forty Typewriter has much more character, in my opinion, than your average Dell Desktop computer. Anyways, getting off the subject here….I think that the most sad thing is that a lot of children these days are neglecting their imaginations. Instead of game-boys and talking toys, give your child a stick and send them outside, for Buddha’s sake! I don’t think I could possibly be as creatively-driven as I am today, if it weren’t for “pretending” consistently as a child. I spent days running around in the woods, creating “forts,” watching alligators in the lake, sneaking up on rabbits, carving things in wood, collecting rocks, playing in mud.  A child doesn’t just see a stick… they see whatever they want to see.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to tell anybody how to raise their children. But once in a while, we should really try to cultivate more imagination in the growing generations. I see a huge lack in that, and it bothers the hell outta me. So, end rant. And onto another…..

When I was in high school, I had a self-published zine. For years I’ve forgotten about that. But recently, I was going through old papers and such, and found a copy of one. They were infiltrated with comics, activism, vegetarianism (I was avid about that, at the time), feminism, punk rock, art, and plenty of stories and poetry. Pretty proud of that, actually. At first it was called “Pixie Meat,” which is hilarious, actually. Then I changed it to “Fever” and then eventually to “Creatio Ex Nihlo.” (Which is why I named my business “Creatio Essentials”… Something out of Nothing) But, recently I was going through some old sketchbooks and stuff, and  I found a story I had written in the first magazine debut, that really explains how I was when I was sixteen:

(Busking on the streets of Sarasota, FL. At sixteen)

“The Pains of Growing Out Your Hair and Other Stories” (15 years old)

Growing up is hard. We all know that. It’s confusing, and crazy dramatic. At least that’s how it’s been for me. You see, I’m not you.

These days, my life consists of waiting tiredly to go home from school and roll some cherry vanilla tobacco while watching the Sundance channel. My nights are filled with playing hours of pool while listening to The Dead Kennedy’s on the juke box. Or possibly spent skateboarding or writing songs, and talking about how awesome it’s gonna be when we go see Jethro Tull, or NoFX live. I live in a small town, where there is nothing to do except hang outside Books-A-Million, or sneak into the movies for a manatee. Big dreams.

High school is horribly boring. Everyone is a carbon copy of each other. I can’t wait to go off to college and study what I dream. I mean, come on! Why would I need Algebra and graphing to become an artist/musician/writer/philosopher?  Okay, so I’m also a big square. I admit it. I wear my parent’s old T-shirts and ties from goodwill as belts. I had to replace my repetitively duct-taped vintage punk belt after it broke for the millionth time. Anyways, I read about five books at a time and write down everything I think is useful to know. I make collage books with all of the information.  But really, I would rather be anti-social and have the comfort of my mind and solitude, than be in the middle of groups of drooling, sweating, angry, whoring, money-grubbing people who favor our patriarchal-capitalist-locked-down society.

Well, then….I have ex-hippie parents (who don’t like to admit their hippie-ness) who conform to 8 hour day jobs. They raised me to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to, but I should always have a back-up plan. I am so thankful that they gave me so much freedom as a child. My best friend is a beautiful, half-Jamaican-dreaded-queen who quit school to become a soon-to-be successful piercer-artist-race-car-driver-black-ninja. (Don’t ask) She’s the under-the-bed part of me, and my celestial twin. I have two sisters and no brothers. Although I’ve had a few non-blood brothers, like Joe (a humongous giant who has over a hundred tattoos and everything you can imagine pierced) who have watched out for me as if they were blood. I’m thankful for that. My older sister is a twenty-one year old Gothic empress by night, and a CD store manager/ communications-majored student by day. She lives for Japanese animation, and the strangest mechanical-industrial music I have ever heard. My younger sister is almost fourteen, and is the cutest actress and artist I have ever seen. Despite what she believes, I think she draws better hands than I do.

So you see, my life is a bit off. But it seems more interesting on paper. Things haven’t been quite so easy for me growing up. I feel ambivalent in anticipating the future.

But at this moment, I think the biggest pain is growing out my hair.

——————–

If you are young: Watch Glee on TV (who celebrate the un-popular), ( or better yet, don’t watch TV at all!) read Bitch magazine, listen to The Ink Spots and Robert Johnson and Bessie Smith, pick up some drumsticks and beat on the brat (figuratively, of course), draw comics, get involved in a cause, be passionate about simple things, get a record player, carve your own way. Discover what you REALLY want, and who you REALLY are. Creativity can be found and cultivated in everyone.

For children:

What Happens When Children Pretend

The Power of Pretending

A Crappy Economy Forced the Appreciation of the Simple.

Leaves are smooshed all over the sidewalks. It’s in that transition of Autumn again. It’s saddening to watch the air get cold and the trees become skeletons.

But it’s also so peaceful.

It’s been soooo cold lately, and I am without heat. I just want to make some tea, crawl back into bed, and stare out the windows listening to The Rachel’s…or some twangy Django. Unfortunately I have too many things to plan for with my whole “Project: get-back-on-track-with-life”. Since getting laid off and such, I’ve been in this sort of melancholic, aimless place for the first time in years. But I’m determined to crawl out of it, and am almost half-way there. Being days away from living on the street, or starving to death is pretty depressing. But, that part is over now, at least. I am crawling within myself to find inspiration for creation again. I’m sorry I’ve been totally ADD with this blog. I have a lot of wonderful readers, and I appreciate you continuing to come back and read! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be all “Woe is me.” I have had so many amazing people come into my life the past few months, and so many beautiful, lovely adventures. Being in this strangely stagnant place, where I keep getting kicked down every time I get above the waters is really hard. But it’s so full of inspiration, and I’m looking forward to reaching quite a few goals by next summer. Including moving to NYC! For real!

One thing I’ve found to really help me in these down moments, is to look at the little things I am appreciating right now at this moment. I’ve made a couple of these lists before, and a lot of people find this little project to make them feel better in times like ours. Ohhhhh the economy. So, what do you love and appreciate TODAY?

Today, I love and appreciate:

• Elaborate cd mixes for long drives
• Swiss cheese on crackers
• Violin playing on the street
• Finding laughter when I’m alone
• Releasing the grip
• new paintbrushes
• sushi lunch dates
• Coffee cafe conversations with strangers
• Cooking slowly
• Latkes (potato pancakes) with sour cream and apple sauce.
• Sudoku races
• Taking photos when people aren’t looking
• Tiny ink drawings
• Brie plates with fig jam or roasted red pepper salsa…yum!
• Constantly expanding
• Impromptu swing dance parties…usually not even to swing songs.
• A crackling fire
• Trading books
• llama wool
• receiving postcards from wonderful places
• BLT sandwiches. I could eat them all day for months straight.
• My perpetual, insanely vivid dreams
• Not waiting around for things
• espresso and a dash of cream
• Blushing
• Making up songs in the bathtub
• Grilled cheese with avocado and fried okra
• Sweet tea vodka
• My fabulous, loving, generous, and amazing friends!!!!!
• stillness
• Homegrown vegetables
• Herding Cats Chenin Blanc from South Africa
• Seeing my natural color (and trying to grow it out) for the first time in ten years.
• People who are excited and filled with ambition
• old maps
• Long talks with my lovely sisters
• Small epiphanies
• getting sweet cards in the mail from my mother. It’s such a small, sweet gesture.
• A pot of lavender tea.
• Finding great things on the side of the road
• Sturdy boots to keep me grounded
• Grandma sweaters
• A passing strangers pause and smile
• leather gloves
• baking cakes for people
• completing a crossword
• Long baths at 3am
• sitting back and just watching.
• political pro-activeness.
• Leaving bad energy behind
• My dad’s flannel shirts from the 70′s.
• The generosity of others when we just swallow our pride and ask for help.
• finding old writings and drawings I had forgotten about.
• Red lipstick that doesn’t easily wear off.
• Taking photos in junkyards
• Plaster masks for Dia de la Muertes
• People breaking out in song.
• Toothpastefordinner.com comics
• Constantly realizing that I’m never as stuck as it seems.
• Having wonderful days of severe introversion and recollection.
• Classical piano.
• Old vaudeville.
• sitting in the Autumn sun
• Phone calls from far away
• Hearing a song from years ago and having a sudden nostalgia attack.
• Horror movie marathons
• Meditation in the middle of a forest
• Not being so hard on myself for once
• The gorgeous people of Asheville.
• Cooking elaborate breakfasts
• Wandering with no destination
• Warm croissants and guava jelly

Sometimes things can be so simple.